Confession: I was Impatient with God...

Numbers chapters 1 - 13 (6 days in my http://www.bibleinayear.org/ reading plan).

I have a confession to make and it is related to Numbers 11. Chapter 11 describes how the Israelites "yielded to intense craving" (Numbers 11:4) in the desert and complained to Moses & God about not having meat to eat, despite being provided with sweet tasting Manna daily. The Lord responded by giving them meat "not one day, nor two days, nor five days, nor ten days, nor twenty days, but for a whole month, until it comes out of [their] nostrils and becomes loathsome to [them]." (Numbers 11:19-20). However, God was not impressed with their whinning and impatience, and "while the meat was still between their teeth, before it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was aroused against the people, and the LORD struck the people with a very great plague." (Numbers 11:33)

This has such a strong parallel to what happened to me yesterday that I cannot call it anything else but a strong wake up call from Him above. For 4 years now, I have been unhappy with my financial situation - in short, I have not been contented with the many blessings the Lord has poured upon me and my family. By all accounts I am blessed with a comfortable life, yet I have been struggling with the worry that I am under-paid, and I have at times "yielded to intense craving" just like the Israelites in the desert. I wanted something (let's call it an "extravagent luxury") that my present finances does not allow. I have been impatient with God, and have been frustrated trying to find the balance between waiting upon Him and taking things into my own hands and finding alternatives. There is of course no such thing as a balance when it comes to waiting on Him. When I am waiting on Him, I am supposed to WAIT. Period. Not make up excuses to "speed things along" nor help God out by running ahead of Him. Yet somehow that is so much easier said than done.

Yesterday morning, I came into some money that was totally unplanned. Not exactly a windfall, but just about enough for me to commit to getting a loan towards the the 1st installment of this "extravagent luxury" I have been wanting. Yet strangely, I just wasn't ready to commit to getting it. I was very happy and thankful for this nice surprise, but there was just no conviction to go shopping. That same afternoon, I heard from Mrs Nitrox that R2 has high fever and threw up. Whatever elation I felt just about disappeared. The rest of the day was a blur, but last night as I was lying in bed, a few thoughts occurred to me:

1. I am guilty of the sin of being impatient with God. Because of that, I came so close to missing out on this nice surprise that He had in store for me. It is only His awesome love and generosity that has brought about this totally undeserved blessing. Like the Israelites in the desert, who were too busy whinning to see His blessings, I am an undeserving recipient of His manna and quail. I am overwhelmed by His love.

2. God also made it pretty clear that despite my sustained whinning, the "extravagent luxury" I wanted wasn't really all that important to me. The reality is that lots of other things more much more important - my family and their well-being being one such example. For some strange reason it is so easy to forget that. I am half convinced that the next time I see a young guy driving a sports car or sitting in business class, I will again forget and start to whine again. Lord, please help me to guard my heart!

3. Maybe I enjoy whinning and complaining about not getting what I want more than the "extravagent luxury" itself. Now that it is within reach, I am basically not ready to take the plunge and get it anyway. What is it about me that thrives when I am curled up in self-pity? How can God Himself see something beautiful enough in something so twisted and wrong that He came to die for me?

My friends, we have an AWESOME, AWESOME God, and we are so priviledged to be loved by Him.